Now that I'm part of a growing Vegetarian Clan, I have become aware of the many mildly offensive things non-vegetarians say. I'm ashamed to admit that I, too, once said things like that to friends of mine who were vegetarian, vegan, or had another type of dietary restriction.
During this time in the world (or at least in America) where many people are choosing to eat (or to not eat) certain foods for health, moral, or other reasons, I think it's time all of us learned a quick lesson in the etiquette of how to treat and interact with people who do not eat what you eat.
I am not writing this from the viewpoint that vegetarians are morally superior or smarter than non-vegetarians-- the majority of my family is non-vegetarian and I am totally fine with that. I am writing this from the perspective of someone who is in a minority and who is just asking for a little more respect and understanding from the non-vegetarian majority.
1. "There's a salad!"
If you're vegan or vegetarian, chances are you've probably heard this phrase A LOT. You show up to an event that serves a meal and realize that everything has meat in it; when you ask the host/ess if there is anything vegetarian, s/he surveys the table of food and offers up the phrase: "There's a salad!"
I really don't like hearing "there's a salad!" when there is a table full of food for everyone else to eat-- but hey, I know that the person saying that is usually just trying to be helpful, so I usually just shrug it off and make a mental note to grab myself some food after the event is over.
But what really, really gets to me is when someone notices that I haven't had any salad, and tries to follow up with, "you're vegetarian, you must love salad," or worse, "you're vegetarian, but you're not having any salad!?"
That just really makes me upset. You'd never say, "you're Mexican, but you're not an illegal immigrant!?" to someone, or "you're Mormon, but you don't have seven children (or wives)!?" Why? Because those stereotypes are offensive, and you would never just assume that because someone affiliates with an ethnic or religious group they necessarily fit the stereotype.
But for some reason, it's okay to assume that vegetarians love salad. (Because what else would they eat, right? ...Wrong.)
The truth is, I don't usually eat salads. Sure, I'll have a little garden salad if it's served with a nice panini or heaping portion of pasta. If it's a candied walnut, apple, and goat cheese salad, topped with a nice raspberry vinaigrette, I'll eat an entire dish of salad. But more often than not, the salads you see at your every-day event are not fancy salads full of nuts, fruits, veggies, and fine cheeses. They're often mixed greens (with tiny shreds of carrot) that made their way to your nearest grocery store in a plastic bag.
Fun fact: basically everything in that bag, no matter how it's marketed, tastes the same: bland.
If you're a meat-eater and you're not interested in taking more than three bites of that salad, chances are your vegetarian friends aren't interested in eating a whole lot of it either.
So please, if you realize that you forgot to bring a vegetarian dish to your event and can't quickly remedy the problem, be kind enough to just apologize and promise to do a better job in the future. Don't try to shove all your salad off on your poor vegetarian guest.
And if you will soon be hosting a party, remember that a regular old salad-in-a-bag does not satisfy your vegetarian item requirement. (Unless your guest is Jared and it's baby arugula).
Addendum: Vegetarians, vegans, and others with food restrictions have commented that they don't expect people to cater to their diets. So, I should revise: don't sweat it if you don't have something prepared for your food-restricted guest, but still, please don't guilt us into eating the bagged salad.
2. Be courteous when making decisions about where to eat and what to cook.
My sister decided to go vegan this past year, and when we tried to explain this to my 91-year-old grandmother, she said, "I'm not modern like you young folk." She doesn't really get what being vegan or vegetarian entails, but she knows we have dietary restrictions and whenever we go out to eat, she gives me a few options of places to eat beforehand, so I can choose a place that has something vegan/vegetarian on the menu.
This is such a nice gesture, especially coming from someone who doesn't understand the appeal of eating vegetarian. It is the same kind of courtesy you might extend to someone who has an allergy to seafood, or a strong aversion to a certain type of cuisine. So please, extend that courtesy to us vegetarians, too! (And in return, we'll try not to drag you to a raw food cafe).
My grandma, sister, and I end up going to Olive Garden a lot... but hey, they serve a great vegetarian minestrone and their tasty breadsticks are vegan!
3. No, it's not "all in my head."
Some people find it funny to give vegetarians food with meat products in it, because they believe "if it doesn't look like it has meat in it, it's probably fine." Or, just as bad, they give vegetarians meat because they're careless.
Please don't be the waiter that brought Jared a ravioli sampler and forgot to make a no-meat request to the chef. I know you're busy, but let's return to the allergy analogy: if someone breaks out in hives and swells up in the face from eating peanuts, you'd probably try pretty darn hard to make sure you didn't feed them a peanut-laced meal.
Now, you might be thinking: yeah, but an allergy can make someone sick, unless you're allergic to meat, you'll be fine eating some! False.
Here's another fact: once your body has stopped digesting meat, cheese, or another type of animal product for long enough, it becomes very hard for your body to break down those food products. The result? You get sick-- sometimes you feel nauseous, sometimes you vomit. Whatever happens, it isn't pretty, so in effect, it is comparable to having developed "an allergy" to a type of food.
Trust me. And even if you don't, just be courteous, and don't tell your vegetarian acquaintances, "it's all in your head."
Recently I went to an event that served a dish that looked vegetarian. When I asked one of women in charge of the event if it was okay for me to eat, rather than just assume it was, she went to the person who had prepared the dish to verify the ingredients. Turns out the dish wasn't vegetarian, which was kind of sad, because it looked delicious, but the woman who figured that out deserves a commendation for going out of her way to be helpful and understanding.
4. "Can you eat _____?"
Please don't be the waiter that brought Jared a ravioli sampler and forgot to make a no-meat request to the chef. I know you're busy, but let's return to the allergy analogy: if someone breaks out in hives and swells up in the face from eating peanuts, you'd probably try pretty darn hard to make sure you didn't feed them a peanut-laced meal.
Now, you might be thinking: yeah, but an allergy can make someone sick, unless you're allergic to meat, you'll be fine eating some! False.
Here's another fact: once your body has stopped digesting meat, cheese, or another type of animal product for long enough, it becomes very hard for your body to break down those food products. The result? You get sick-- sometimes you feel nauseous, sometimes you vomit. Whatever happens, it isn't pretty, so in effect, it is comparable to having developed "an allergy" to a type of food.
Trust me. And even if you don't, just be courteous, and don't tell your vegetarian acquaintances, "it's all in your head."
Recently I went to an event that served a dish that looked vegetarian. When I asked one of women in charge of the event if it was okay for me to eat, rather than just assume it was, she went to the person who had prepared the dish to verify the ingredients. Turns out the dish wasn't vegetarian, which was kind of sad, because it looked delicious, but the woman who figured that out deserves a commendation for going out of her way to be helpful and understanding.
4. "Can you eat _____?"
Some people have trouble distinguishing between vegan and vegetarian and gluten-free, etc., etc. And that's completely fine and understandable. After all, there are lots of new and specific diets out there!
But what really bugs me is when people decide to play the "can you eat [insert type of food]?" game. For instance, a few days ago, I was at a dinner and a woman sitting near me noticed I wasn't eating much. I told her I was vegetarian and that lots of the dishes at the get-together had meat in them.
When a server came by with ice cream, the woman near me pointed at her dish and asked, "so you can't eat ice cream?" To which I replied (somewhat snarkily), "does that ice cream have meat in it?"
When you ask questions like that, what you're really doing is making an assumption about someone. You're not sending the message that you're open-minded and would like to learn more about a different way of life.
But what really bugs me is when people decide to play the "can you eat [insert type of food]?" game. For instance, a few days ago, I was at a dinner and a woman sitting near me noticed I wasn't eating much. I told her I was vegetarian and that lots of the dishes at the get-together had meat in them.
When a server came by with ice cream, the woman near me pointed at her dish and asked, "so you can't eat ice cream?" To which I replied (somewhat snarkily), "does that ice cream have meat in it?"
When you ask questions like that, what you're really doing is making an assumption about someone. You're not sending the message that you're open-minded and would like to learn more about a different way of life.
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| Vegetarian Stuffed Bell Peppers |
As a Mormon, people have asked me questions like, "so do you wear weird underwear?" Or "is it true that Mormon men have many wives?" I really don't like talking to these people, because they really have zero (or close to zero) interest about my beliefs-- they just want to reaffirm their own belief that Mormonism is wacky by asking me to answer yes or no questions. As a full-time missionary who spent a lot of time knocking doors and street contacting, we'd get questions like that with some frequency. Turns out, people who ask those kinds of questions are almost never interested in genuine discussion.
When people try to play that: "what [regular things] can you not eat?" game, I feel like all they're looking for is validation that vegetarians are nuts because they don't eat steak or soup made with chicken broth, etc. I imagine it's only worse for vegans.
So, look, if you don't know the dietary restrictions that accompany labels like vegan, vegetarian, etc., you could either (a) Google them when you finish reading this blog post, or (b) next time you're with a vegetarian friend, politely make an inquiry as to what they eat. Try asking an open-ended question. Here's a sample conversation: "Jared, I know you are vegetarian. I am not sure what type of foods vegetarians can and cannot eat. Would you mind telling me?"
You might also (non-judgmentally) ask Jared about why he's vegetarian, or about his favorite foods-- you might discover that being vegetarian is not as limiting as you think! There are countless desserts, delicious entrees, and tasty appetizers that vegetarians enjoy. Chances are, non-vegetarians would probably enjoy a few of those dishes, too.
5. Disagree with me, but please don't try to attack my way of life.
My mom and I used to get into huge, heated arguments on politics when I was younger. They usually ended with me in tears and my mother wanting to disown me-- those were painful times. Lately, my mother and I have tried to find middle ground-- and when we can't, we've agreed to disagree. When we try to view political issues from each other's perspective, it is easier to understand why we feel the way we do.
You may not understand why it is important for me to be vegetarian. I believe eating less meat is healthy. I believe by choosing not to purchase meat, I can effect a small, but positive impact on the current meat market. I believe that not eating meat is a morally good thing to do if you believe that animal suffering should be minimized (just look up "factory farms"). And I also believe the vegetarian food is just tastier (because like I said earlier, meat was never my favorite thing to begin with).
When people try to play that: "what [regular things] can you not eat?" game, I feel like all they're looking for is validation that vegetarians are nuts because they don't eat steak or soup made with chicken broth, etc. I imagine it's only worse for vegans.
So, look, if you don't know the dietary restrictions that accompany labels like vegan, vegetarian, etc., you could either (a) Google them when you finish reading this blog post, or (b) next time you're with a vegetarian friend, politely make an inquiry as to what they eat. Try asking an open-ended question. Here's a sample conversation: "Jared, I know you are vegetarian. I am not sure what type of foods vegetarians can and cannot eat. Would you mind telling me?"
You might also (non-judgmentally) ask Jared about why he's vegetarian, or about his favorite foods-- you might discover that being vegetarian is not as limiting as you think! There are countless desserts, delicious entrees, and tasty appetizers that vegetarians enjoy. Chances are, non-vegetarians would probably enjoy a few of those dishes, too.
5. Disagree with me, but please don't try to attack my way of life.
My mom and I used to get into huge, heated arguments on politics when I was younger. They usually ended with me in tears and my mother wanting to disown me-- those were painful times. Lately, my mother and I have tried to find middle ground-- and when we can't, we've agreed to disagree. When we try to view political issues from each other's perspective, it is easier to understand why we feel the way we do.
You may not understand why it is important for me to be vegetarian. I believe eating less meat is healthy. I believe by choosing not to purchase meat, I can effect a small, but positive impact on the current meat market. I believe that not eating meat is a morally good thing to do if you believe that animal suffering should be minimized (just look up "factory farms"). And I also believe the vegetarian food is just tastier (because like I said earlier, meat was never my favorite thing to begin with).
Me and my mom, smiling together in our Hawaii kitchen.
Do you remember the quote from my mother I used earlier in this article? She has been a lifelong meat eater, but when I told her about my decision to stop eating meat, she said: "you never really liked meat any way." And not in a rude way, but in a, "huh, for you that really makes a lot of sense" kind of way. She tried to understand where I was coming from, and told me that when I visit for Christmas she will make vegetarian food for me.
And for all of you vegetarians out there: try to be respectful and understanding of your carnivorous friends. We might eat differently, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends!
(Plus, you convince more people with kindness than you do with criticisms).
(Plus, you convince more people with kindness than you do with criticisms).
I don't know if my older comment posted
ReplyDeleteProbably not, so I'll try again. Thanks for writing this Tor. I enjoyed your thoughts. I've had many encounters with people that veganism is so foreign to them that they initially don't know how to react to me being vegan. I've learned not to hold this against people, but instead to tell them more about how I live my life and also invite them to try vegan food. Honestly, for the majority of people I've talked to, veganism is such a far out idea, and unfortunately there are too many (you only need a minority for there to be "too many") vegans and vegetarians that are hostile towards people who eat meat (trust me, I've met these people, and have encountered them on social media sites like Instagram); and unfortunately negative voices often have an initial larger effect than postive ones. I honestly don't blame people for being skeptical and inquisitive when they first talk to me about my lifestyle because of these reasons (of course, that doesn't mean that people should be justified in making blanket assumptions about vegetarianism/veganism, like you talked about). Instead, I try to give them something positive to think about, i.e. how veganism has positively influenced my life and also how incredibly fun it is. I've found this strategy to be effective and rewarding for both parties :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. I totally agree about the salad. Iceberg salad = consuming water through chewing. Being vegan has definitely expanding my horizons when it comes to proper marination and seasoning.
P.P.S. As vegans, both Anna and I never expect other people to cater to our needs. That's why I always like to share the food I make with other people and bring food to social events. I've known some vegans who are insistent on everything being served to be something that they can consume--who wants that? It's very selfish in my opinion.
Rebecca, thanks for your very thoughtful comment! I agree that vegans/vegetarians need to tone down the hostility, too. And that you shouldn't expect people to cater for you-- I'd rather people just say, "dang I forgot to make something vegetarian" than try to give me Iceberg lettuce.
ReplyDeleteI think you've done a really excellent job at making veganism look fun! With your vegan dinner group, your cute Instagram photos, and your Facebook posts about cool recipes. I might still be vegetarian, but I'm willing to try whatever vegan food you make. :)
Great post. The world needs a little more tolerance all around, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteWe had a vegan sister missionary for a while, and for a bit she had a companion who was gluten-intolerant. Was feeding them tricky? Yes. But I was shocked at the things some of the ladies in the ward would say. "Well, I was going to make fish. Do you think that's ok? No? Well, maybe I'll just say I forgot she was vegan." Um, that's not really ok. It's not required to feed the missionaries, but if you do, have some respect.
And I wholeheartedly agree: iceberg lettuce is nasty.
Vegetarians and Mormons, two diets that are so often misunderstood. On my mission I had a companion who was vegetarian, but she was afraid to tell members because she was Korean and they were Korean and they wouldn't understand. Weird, huh? Anyway, I always ended up having to eat both her and my portion of meat because she would still dish up meat to be polite and then put it in my rice bowl when no one was looking. One of my favorite companions, but I really hated the stigma behind it that made her feel like she had to hide her diet. (And after 4 transfers together, I gained an extra 20 pounds I'm sure). There were plenty of American missionaries who made up allergies to kimchi or rice (one girl who was trying to lose weight so said she was allergic to rice) just to get out of eating it. I loved the cultural aspect of extending love through food, but I hated the fact the offense that was associated with declining.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I am not vegetarian, but when I am at home I cook vegan. Most of the time when people come over to eat they are surprised by how good vegan food can taste. Actually, the first comment is usually "this is really good" and then half way through the meal they notice there isn't any meat and they say jokingly "oh, no meat, you aren't VEGETARIAN are you?". That's when I explain that I choose not to cook animals and try not to buy animal products and we talk about it.
I think it's because living with Anna made me really enjoy looking at vegan food blogs and I feel so much better eating it. You probably already know about this one, but one of my favorite blogs that collects recipes from some of the best food bloggers is: http://www.findingvegan.com/.
When I go out I am not vegetarian, but totally agree with the salad thing. I refuse to buy pre-packaged salads and serve as is. I will use the spring mixes (usually Earthbound Farms does a really good mix with baby arugula which is a favorite) and then pile on delicious toppings as a go to meal, but I would never think of serving cardberg lettuce (unless making spring rolls) by itself.
Also, the "can you eat" bit, I can understand how that would get annoying fast. Although, I remember when Anna transitioned between vegetarian and vegan she actually did that herself a lot, because even if things don't have meat in them, the ingredient list would have a more technical term for an animal by product and you had to be really careful.